In The Beginning...

I was one of the lucky ones.  Up until I turned 28 I could eat what I want when I wanted and not gain an ounce.  Then I got pregnant and it was all downhill from there.  Now, 100+ pounds later I am at the health crossroads.  Staring 50 in the face and also all the fun things that come with being overweight and over fifty.  Frankly it scares me but not enough to make me change.  Not while there are cookies, cakes, pizza etc. right there right now.  Yes, instant gratification wins every time.

For my 49th birthday I joined Weight Watchers for the first time.  It wasn't a good time to start.  Why? Because from the day I joined there were rumors of the program changing, getting better. So why learn the old one if there is a new one?  So I coasted along with my usual 5-10# weight gains and losses.  The ladies would celebrate the 5# loss and I was like "who cares, it'll be back tomorrow while I sleep".  I have gained and lost that same 5# more times than I can count.

So the new program came and so did winter. My closest meeting place is 1/2 hour drive. It takes me longer to drive there than to be there and in -20 degrees, 4 feet of snow through a National forest at night I will say I am not going to the meetings right now. Additionally I find their website a bore.  But as I sit here and eat cookies I don't even like, pop an antacid and then drink my six bottles of Diet Pepsi which would give me heartburn if I didn't take the antacid, I decide things have got to change.

I have no clue what I weigh.  My scale is off I discovered at my first WW meeting as I was 285 which about floored me.  Last weigh-in which was two weeks after Christmas I was 273 I think which is more my normal.

Anyway, I plan to use this blog to explore why I eat, what gets in my way.  My mind (games), body (betrayal of hormones), spirit (or lack there of).

I just bought the newest WW cookbook and as I looked at the recipes and thought "this looks good" I'd then see I get a whole 1/2 cup!  Wow!  A half cup!  I could feel myself choking up, pissed that I only would get a half cup.  Pissed that I can eat so much and not feel full at all.  Pissed that I am where I am at.  I want to blame everyone but myself.  And it is myself that got me here.  I lack the willpower to not eat the trash my husband drags home. I wait too long and then buy trash myself.  I plan my day on what trash I can eat when.  Sometimes I go shopping and really what I want is to eat out.  When I do then I sit in the car and think why am I here? Drive all this way to eat a hamburger?  Ridiculous. But I do.