Living with the Enemy

I didn't tell my husband I joined WW.  But he kept bugging me on where I was going on Tuesday nights and so I finally told him.  That night he offers me a bowl of ice cream.  WTH???  He hasn't offered me any before now.  And he knows I don't like cold stuff in winter.

The other day I was making mashed potatoes.  He says "should you be eating that?"

Sigh. This is why I didn't tell him as he turns into the food police, scale police, and suddenly shovels food my way.

I sorta lost it.  I said this is not a DIET!  This is to get me BACK on track to a more healthy and NORMAL way of eating and living.  I can eat WHATEVER I want, just in healthier portions.

Then I got sorta' nasty and said "Being fat is a bit of a blessing because I can see I am unhealthy! On the other hand you, being thin, you think that despite your diet of ice cream, sugar sodas and teas, cookies, crackers, candy (actually I just boiled it down to "crap") fool yourself into thinking beause you are not fat that you are healthy!!!"

Yes, I said it.  It was a huge light bulb moment for me.  Maybe I am the lucky one.

Trip Success and Failure

I tried to behave myself yesterday, I really did.  I suspect I used up all my extra "over the limit" points though.  I made it through most the day, even only having two slices of pizza for the lunch and skipping the chips altogether.  But going home I was naughty.  It was snowing and I had a three hour drive in front of me in the dark so I stopped and got fast food. Only ate 3/4 of it, the rest is in the fridge now but ugh, my gut wasn't happy with me.

Live and learn.

I am PMSing and so am having more urges to eat.  This is another one of my battles.  Three weeks I can behave myself and then the week before I can undo the whole thing.  So I am trying to think before I do.  Operative word, TRYING.

Two days before weigh in so I have time to behave yet.  I need to go to the store though and mix things up a bit. I am getting really tired of oranges, clementines, celery and carrots.  Even after eating them I feel like a bottomless pit and Lord knows, I got a big enough bottom!

Pic From the CC

I did it!

The photos are up.  There are three of me with the two folks I came in with.  So I cut them out because #1 I have no clue who they are #2 this blog is all about meeeeeee.  Ha ha!

Looking at these photos now I know why there aren't any of me. Had I had some sooner maybe I would have realized just how big I am. Jeez...

Road Trip



Erin Go Braghless, my Champion model horse

 I ate too many carrots today.  Ugh, my belly is saying no more please.  I still have 13 pts. to use yet but ugh, doubt I will.  Live and learn.

I have decided to go to Superior this Saturday to a model horse show.  Model horse equals what most folks see as toy horses.  Plastic, glass, resin.  I need a little fun and this show was a blast last year.  Looks to be even more so this year with goofy classes. Plus I'll be meeting a gal from my board there so that will make it even more fun.

Biggest issue will be meals.  Lunch is pizza and chips.  But I think I will be ok.  I for some reason have a different mind set this time.  None of this "OMG if I don't eat it all now someone will beat me to it" mentality.  Or "it's a treat".  Yah, problem was all I was eating was "treats".  They aren't treats if they are all I eat!  I'll bring along some grapes or fruit, maybe celery or a quarter of lettuce.  Not carrots, LOL.  Gads, they are making me gassy because I ate too many.  I need to pay attention to serving size even in the zero foods.  That and maybe get some Beano :).

So I figured since suddenly I have a social calendar that is starting to fill up I need a new bra.  Guess what, I went down a size and a cup size since I bought my last one! Yay!  YAY!!!

Tomorrow I get my hair cut too.  Get rid of this frizzball :D.

My "third" son is getting married June 4th.  He's a friend of my eldest son's, is adopted but always hung out here, wanting to move in etc.  So I "adopted" him and he calls me Mom.  He's done a few things the hard way but is a good soul and is finally growing up.  Like a fool he dropped out of high school but I talked him into returning and finishing and he did.  I am so proud of him because that couldn't have been easy.  Anyway, so now I want to make them a counted x-stitch wedding picture and find myself a nice dress for the event.  I have time of course so would be nice if I could be a few pounds down too.  I feel like my own kid is getting married except I don't have to pay for anything, ha ha!

Danger! DANGER!

When I put my 4# loss this week into the WW tracker this popped up!  "Danger!  Danger!  You are losing too quickly!  If you keep this up you shall die!"  or some such thing ;). 

Ok, one time. Can't I just ENJOY my ONE time?  Ha. I'm kidding of course.  I have been down this road a billion times (with a B) and know it is fleeting. 

So if I gain does it give me a tissue and a hug?

Oh, then it took a point away. Yah, that'll show me!

reality check 2011 : 325 lbs.

I found this on You Tube and can relate. I recommend also seeing her other videos and watch her belly dance (that was what I was searching for). She also has a blogspot.

Life Saver

Napping in the Sun

Here are the two boys napping in the sun.  It had been a rough few days weather-wise and these guys know how to take advantage of their solar heating powers.  Pony Striker to the left and Jack to the right, taken out my kitchen window.

My lifesavers

I was so glad to have these ready to go.  My husband is home again and he does not make it easy to diet.  He is one of those who is tall, can gain 70# and no one notices except he gets more banana shaped.  The man lives off of sugary ice tea,  store bought cookies and Ritz crackers.  And when he's not eating he is scrounging for something to eat which means he is in the way all of the time.  I don't like cooking around him because he's in the way, poking his nose into it, taking tastes etc. yet he won't cook.  It makes me mad.  So I was glad to have made these up earlier so I could just grab the container and eat them without him hovering about.

Snowy Walkabout

 Ok,so I didn't do nothing today.  I strapped on my snowshoes on and took a walk around the farm.  The snow was perfect for the snowshoes.  Where normally I would be falling knee or thigh deep in snow I floated across the top.  Wonderful.  These 'shoes were the biggest I could find in my price range, are made to hold up to 260#.  Yes, even snowshoes have limits.  I have had them for 8 years though and they held up.  My dream is to do the Perkinstown snowshoe race.  Someday...




Me in my snowshoes

 I went around to check all the water tanks.  First stop was my horse tank.  The herd had already come and gone but here comes bachelor Jack who is kicked out of the herd by his father.  Jack pals with a little pony gelding named Striker.  Striker, being of hardy Shetland stock, rarely comes to the water tank in winter, prefering to just eat snow.  So Jack is on his own.



Jack

As I went to check my fillys' tank my eldest son came on by, giving Tex the dog a ride on the snowmobile.  That darn dog, he rides snowmobiles, motorcycles, golf  cart.  He's a crazy dog.

You can see my filthy mail car in the background, LOL.  Yes, I agree, she is a bit dirty...

Anyway, last but not least are the Cud Queens...



I Am Sick of Snow!

Good thing the races ended when they did.  It got awful as the day dragged on.  We got 12" so far and it isn't to end until midnight or so with freezing rain to come in and cover it.  The winds are just howling out there, white outs, below zero windchill.  I am so tired of it.  This has been a winter and a half.

So I guess I'll just lay around today, LOL.

I got a shock yesterday.  I decided to use my activity points for a dark chocolate Reeses Peanut Butter cup.  Did you know that ONE brazil nut equals a two cup package of the candy?  OMG!  I ate six brazil nuts, the serving on the package and it added up to 33 points!!  No more brazil nuts.  They are banned from my home, LOL.

Really...

Brazil nut?

or

Two dark chocolate peanut butter cups?

Brazil NUT?

OR

TWO dark CHOCOLATE peanut butter cups?

No contest!!!

Chilly Chippewa, Check!

Well, I figured, I am a mail carrier, I can handle a bit of snow. By 9am it was still clear so I went.  Turns out the snow held off until almost noon so I only had to head back in it which was not too bad.

I didn't know where I was going so wrote down directions and followed those.  I finally got sight of the high school and guess what?  I get pulled over by Chippewa's finest.  I'm like WTH?  So I asked him what did I do?  My plates were dirty and unreadable.  I said oh, well that is due to me being a mail carrier.  He asked me if I was carrying today.  I said no "thinking" um no it is Sunday but just said no.  He asked if I was working the race. I said no, walking it. "When does it start?"  At 10 (20 minutes...well, now 15).  So he says he wants me to go to the building and get towel and clean it off so he can see if the plates were expired. I said I have paper towel in the car since I have to clean my tail lights off quite often when it is sloppy.  Oh,ok, so I cleaned the plates to prove I was legit and he let me go.

So then of course sign up/check in was WAAAAYYYYY in the back of the building, I had to ask twice where to go.  So by the time I got my stuff the timer was going and I was behind.  But oh well, that is how it is.

So yah, I made it. My time was around 55 minutes, me and two other people came in at the same time, last of course but that is ok.  One kid giving directions to the participants asked if I was last.  I said yes, as usual, but someone has to be last, may as well be me. He says "Well, at least you are doing it."  Yessir, at least I am doing it.

Not bad considering I haven't hardly done any walking etc. most this winter.  So once times are posted that will be my official starting point for 2011.  Now for the photos!

I can see the end!

Bathroom shot. Yes, I made it. Gads am I fat!

The rewards, chili, wheat bread, bagel and water.

On my way home, getting onto the interstate.

I don't know if the photographer took my picture or not. Really, I think the last should be as important as the first since oftentimes the last one is doing it for a loftier purpose than just trying to beat their own time.  Like myself.  I do it for my Dad who died of cancer last year.  So just getting to the finish line is a huge deal!

Decisions, Decisions

I have spent the last 20 minutes going over online weather sites. It is a beautiful morning, no snow.  Warning is from 6am today thru 6am tomorrow.  So hour by hour the worst of it is to be noon and beyond.  So, do I take the chance?  Leave here at 9, walk/run is at 10, be done by 11 and then just come home right away?  I hate this.  Why couldn't this happen tomorrow (like it was suppose to) or yesterday or any other day but today?

I may still go.  I won't take my dog since if for some reason I have to stay over I don't want to have to worry about him too.  I'll decide at 9 because I have to be on the road by then.  That is only 1.5 hours away.  And it is still pretty out :).  Maybe I am a fool. I tell you, below zero would be much better than this!  Call me skiddish.  I have been in the ditch twice this year during my job, got stuck in too deep of snow once due to it dragging my car down also during my job.  Then the fog and all these accidents that hit too close to home. I don't want to be a chicken but I don't want to be a fool either.  I am guessing there is a fine line between the two, LOL.

Widget Wonders

Ok, somewhere my countdown widget is off.  The walk isn't for another 24 hours and it says 10.  Where is this thing out of, the UK?  Would be better if it was 10, might miss the snowstorm bearing down on us. Now they are talking 14".  Ugh.

I am beginning to really dislike winter.

Freebie Class/Demo

OMG, I have no photos of me in my bellydance outfit but this one that I photoshopped.  This was my practice outfit.  Cute, huh?  Probably look even worse now :). 

Class was interesting to say the least.  Too many people showed up, over 40 in a space that is meant to hold 15.  Their "studio" kinda' sucks, long, narrow, dark, windowless, no air whatsoever.  They opened the door to the outside to try and let some air in.  Music was an MP3 player and speakers on a desk. Now I realize this place is still under construction (but has been around a few years already) but it is like they decided "hey, we can make some money holding classes here" and just used the storage space.  The lobby is almost bigger and certainly more inviting.

That and it is carpeted. I am guessing there is a cement slab underneath as it was hard.  Not good for joints, esp. us older folks. They hold zumba classes in there.  I just cannot imagine that.  Makes for a bit of tripping and stumbling. Wood is much better.

Someone brought coffee and kindly knocked it onto my coat so I couldn't wear it home last night.  20 degreees, 30mph winds. Good thing I carry another in my car for my job.

The place just doesn't have good energy and to me that was surprising for a place that is promoting massage, wellness and fitness.  But hey, I only know what I feel.

Ok, so the instructor is this cute little uber upbeat squeaky voiced "cool beans" kinda' gal.  She is very cute and funny.  I do feel she tried to squeeze too much in for 40+ beginners but it was all in fun.  I could comment a lot more on this but will not at this time.  Being a demo and freebie makes it a whole 'nother animal. 

We never did get a demo out of her.  Instead a link to her totally in a need for updating website (don't click on links, all dead) to some videos.

After class she gave us all her business card and said classes start in two weeks if we were interested.  So as the swarm descended onto the front desk I made sure my keys and phone weren't affected by spilled coffee, got a glass of water, read materials on the wall and waited for the crowd to thin out.  I overheard the one guy in the place say class limit is 15 and someone else say "waiting list" so I figured ok, I'll go get put on the waiting list and then I can think about it.

So I go up and turns out after all that the class was NOT full.  So guess who is doing 6 weeks bellydance with Ms. Uber Squeak Cool Beans in a dungeon?  LOL.  Yup, that would be ME!

Ok, I am being a bit glib here and really, I do think in a less hectic situation it will be better.  This gal teaches elsewhere so she must be ok. We'll find out though, starting March 4.

Meanwhile I looked up my original teacher and her classes started last week too.  I think I will get through these and then go back to her since the weather by then should be better for the travel distance.

Oh Boy!

Today we got a free sample issue of the weekly newspaper out of the town I work in. As I flipped through it I saw a "local" (as in 45 minutes away) is having a free "come check us out" bellydance class tonight!  I am going.  I used to bellydance (tribal) up until almost four years ago.   The whole "troupe" was made up of chunky housewives.  It was a lot of fun! But then the stress of work got in the way and I stopped, then the classes moved to the big city so that was the end of that.

Sometimes I drag out my skirts and hipscarves and think I should do it again but without a place to do it (living room is gutted with tons of crap in it and the television isn't hooked up plus is so old needs a converter box which I refuse to buy for that POS) I don't.  So for the heck of it I am going to go check it out.

Weather Woes

I can't believe it, or maybe I can. 

This has been a really sucky winter.  The past three days of reprieve has been wonderful but short lived. Now we have wind advisories bringing in cold temps and they are talking 6-10 inches of snow on Sunday!!  NOOOOO.  That is my 5K day!  I hope it doesn't happen but if so I won't be going. I live a good 45 minutes from the walk and with all the weather caused accidents (near where I work yesterday there was a nine semi/car pile up, killing one,then of course the incident with my co-workers kid), I am not pushing my luck.

BUT, only time will tell...

Culver's WW Style

Tonight, for the fun of it I broke down some food from Culver's.  My favorite mushroom swiss burger would come out to 18 points.  If I made it a single it would be 12.  Now if I do the veggie burger it would come out to 9 if I omit the mayo.  Side salad is 1. I don't "do" dressing so that is no problem.  So that is what I will try the next time I go there.  Pretty cool that Culver's has a nutrition breakdown where one can omit things like the mayo and it calculates it. 

So cool, I can still go do my people watching, letter writing, book reading in my favorite spot and not destroy my program!!

Yummy Soup

Today I am making a split pea/lentil soup.  The local Old Order Mennonite store has large bags of bulk stuff like this, lentils, yellow and green split peas with little alphabet noodles.  So I got a good sized bag and used a ham bone, carrots, celery, garlic, onion, some chicken stock, herbs and a can of spinach.  I'll make a side of the WW baking powder biscuits to go with.  That should have us tooting good for a day or two, LOL.

I found this online today. Ain't that the truth?

Ok, the soup turned out really good, reminded me of Italian Wedding soup minus the sausage. I bet it will be even better tomorrow!

The biscuits were good too though a bit crumbly.  I do feel better about eating whole wheat ones over the yummy white flour kind I could eat a whole pan of!

Low Fat Cheese Needs to be Banned!

Holy cow, I had a hard time getting all my points in today.  I kept thinking "what can I eat now?" to fulfill them.  It is important to get them all.  So I choked down the last of my food and am done for the day.  Full and satistfied.

Not a fan of lowfat cheese.  Gads, can we say yuck?  And I bought two packs. 

I'd like to ask everyone for a favor.  Please pray for my friend and co-worker's son. His car was struck by a train in the fog this morning.  He is alive, busted up badly though.  He is a senior in school so has his whole life ahead of him.  Anyway, any prayers and good vibes appreciated!

Edit:  I don't know why I had the good fortune to not feel starving today.  Probably because I worked.  That right there gets me away from all food but what I bring myself.  Because a lot of people were outside in this nice weather I got back late (yak yak yak) which means getting home later, less time to prowl. I obviously didn't take enough food along with me to satisfy the points so I need to watch that.

For brkfst I had two weight control oatmeals and a Laughing cow baby bella cheese, lunch was a fake cheese sandwhich (sorry but lowfat cheese GAG ME, had all I could do to choke it down!) w/spinach and mustard, two clementines, had an orange too but didn't eat it.  Then I had airpopped popcorn to snack on during route because I do like to munch on stuff. That is maybe what helped.  I need to figure out a car friendly container for it though.

So that and keeping busy.  No time to be thinking about food.  I am sure it was an anomaly...darnit!

Meeting

Ack, I came in at 276 last night.  So that is my WW starting point.  Amazing how the day can put 6# on a person.  I couldn't believe two of the women there though.  Nice bodies, both and both stripped down to running shorts and tshirts to weigh in.  Wonder if I can go in my nightgown, LOL!

One was rejoining!  Her legs looked like my husband's, birdlike but not as hairy and bony, ha ha.  I thought for an instant "what is she doing here" but then quickly chastised myself since everyone has their own battle.  Maybe if I hung around folks like her I'd have half a chance.

Before I went I discovered the local church there had an evening mass (Tues. is the only eve. one during the weekday) and an hour of adoration afterward so I decided to stop in there for adoration.  I'd have been too late for mass due to the WW meeting.  I figure since I am in town it is one more thing I can do to make it all not such a "wasted" trip.  I had never gone to adoration so hadn't much a clue.  I figure though I can use all the help I can get!

I am working today (surprise day) so needed to get something for lunch.  So to waste the 15 minutes between meeting and mass I went and got a loaf of bread since husband hasn't which means he's eating out for lunch.  I don't have that luxury in my job.  Matter of fact I don't get an official lunch period, I eat while on the road. And usually am starving by the time I am done and then eat bad things.  So a loaf of bread, lowfat cheese, bag of spinach, a couple avacados.  See what I can make of that.  I am a horrible planner.  That is something I need to work on.

Forced Exercise-Sorta'

My Fan Club

Ok, not exactly forced but not what I would have chosen.  It was do this or take a walk.  Once again I had to fumble through the knee deep snow to fix the fence that the cows went through.  I am not a fan of cows.  They are not like horses. But my husband has them, they are his honeys, and so I have to tolerate them too.  But it is exasperating when I can't even get the hotwire plugged in and they have it tore down again.

I have been toying with the etools to see where I am at.  It is kind of interesting.  I have been plugging foods in to see where they come in.  I have 4pt. left yet for today and my nightly dose of tart cherry juice will take care of that.  I need more fruit and veggies in the house.  I had two clementines, yummy.  So maybe after meeting I'll pop in for a little more variety of fruit.  All we have here is oranges and the clementines for fresh.  Also more Quakers Weight Control oatmeal.  I am using it until I get my act together a little bit more.

Just Some [ranting] Thinking

Good morning.  I hope you all had a successful Valentine's Day.  We don't do anything, hubby thinks it is just another way for "the system" to suck your dollars so VD is ignored here, as are all holidays.  After 21 years of that I have finally given up too.

I am just out of it today.  I worked yesterday and it is a long hard physically and mentally challenging day.  I am always feeling a bit "whippy" the day after.  Sucks to put it mildly.  Turns out I am working tomorrow too.

After church on Sunday I bought a new scale and tape measurer so I did my "official" stats this morning. Up 2# from yesterday, as it always seems to go. I probably shouldn't be a daily weigher as I fluctuate so much.

Question for you all.  How do you measure your bust?  I am guessing with a bra on esp. since after breastfeeding and 100# the girls ain't where they belong anymore :(.  I put on an athletic bra and they kinda' squish them down. Should I just use this bra for every measuring or ???

Tonight is my WW meeting.  I am going.  I hate to drive all that way but that is how it is.  I need to find my stuff.  You know, the book and stuff.  I haven't even looked at it and don't know where I put it. That and my card. Gotta' find that too.  It came last week.  I am so disorganized.

I think I have the mind of a teenage boy but instead of thinking of sex every 7 seconds for me it is food.  I was in the bathroom and suddenly food popped into my mind!  What the???  It is like all I think about now that I am somewhat paying attention.  What can I eat?  What is in the house?  What time is it so I can eat? Jeepers!  And inbetween?  Food food food!  Looking at food, recipes.  Thinking what should I cook. 

It is everywhere.  Case in point, my lastest issue of Ladies Home Journal (mind you I HATE THIS MAGAZINE, never subscribed to it.  No, I used to get a fat magazine about plus sized women, clothing, lifestyle etc.  "Figure" I think was the name.  Loved it but it went under and THIS DRIVEL is what they substituted it with.  And to top it off I have cancelled it twice and it just keeps coming.  I don't even look at them, toss them right into the trash.  I see I get one more issue and it expires, thank GOD!).  But let us scrutanise the cover of this one, shall we?

On the cover, Rachel Ray.  What comes to mind?  For me?  Food. 

5 examples of articles inside that are on the cover...

Organize your kitchen (food)
Get-real guide to romance (too fat for that...usually involves food and bodies)
The heart health danger (greasy food)
Prettiest clothes for spring (size 10 and under need only apply, size 22 ain't pretty)
Easiest dinners from top tv chefs (FOOD)

Or the supermarket.  "lose your belly fat" and a huge lucious chocolate cake on the front.

Inside they say you aren't pretty enough, young enough, active enough, organized enough, healthy enough, sane enough, centered enough, rich enough, clean enough, giving enough, loving enough, sexy enough and the list goes on and on.

So I google full figure magazine and come across Just as Beautiful for sizes 14-20.  When I was 140# and people thought I was anorexic I was a 14 so what does that say?

I apologize if you are a LHJ reader and like it.  This is just my opinon and I am glad you do.

And So It Begins...

Diet Pepsi is gone.  Let the withdrawl begin...

:(

My Trip to the Big City

Yes!  A lot like Little House on the Prairie minus the covered wagon and sunbonnets!  And I didn't have to take my yearly bath before.

So, where did you go Cheesehead Chris you ask?  Well, where all good girls go, Best Buy to get my MP3 player!  OMG it is so small!  But my kiddo was slightly impressed so all is good.  And he said I can get a cover for it.  I said ooo, you think they have pink leopard?  Or lots of glitter and shine?  He didn't know.

Then I went to Borders.  I LOVE Borders (or any good big bookstore...OMG!  It is a drug.). That is the one thing I really really REALLY missed when we moved here and that saying coming from a town with a "Little Professors" for a bookstore.  Oh there are lots of bookstores here if you like Christian reading, three Mennonite/Amish stores, a Rod and Staff etc. and believe me when I say they have nice books too, I enjoy some of the fiction, cookbooks and old fashioned housekeeping books.  But I am not going to find books on paganism, orthodoxy, architecture, true stories of homesteaders,  horses, Quakers, yoga etc., even if their stores do carry the lastest greatest computerized sewing machine.

I had a 40% off coupon but didn't find anything. Oh, I drooled over the swedish baking book, esp. the breads.  I am such a bread snob.  I cannot stomach store bread.  What happened to real bread?  Even the German exchange students who came to my German Club (no, I am not German but that is another story) said the one thing they missed was BREAD!  See?  I am NOT crazy and I have never had German bread!  Anyway, problem was every recipe was started with a raisin or fruit "yeast" and the directions were persnickity as to temperatures time etc. (and in this drafty house I cannot control anything) so I left it behind with only the memories of them to niggle in my brain every time I go to the store and pout that bread sucks!

Of course I sometimes make my own.  I used to make all our bread.  Loved it, but no one here appreciates it as they gobble it up and I don't even get a taste.

So then I went to Scheels...you know, the ATHLETIC store?  I thought, oh I will be safe, looking for some running socks.  How bad could that be?  So of course I get mauled by male sales associates and ask where are your running socks and can you suggest a good one that keep my feet warm and cool without bunching up?  Smartwool both said.  So I looked.  $15 a pair.  I had a pair of these from Christmas last year given to me in an exchange for my dressage club.  They were knee highs.  Yah, maybe for these skinny bitches but me, I had to roll them down to anklet size :).  But I saw they had ankle size and go to XL so I splurged and got two pair of L in funky colors.  Put the pink ones on last night...LOVE THEM!

I then got bolder and picked through the clearance stuff.  All these skinny women scooting from one rack to the other oohing and aaahing.  But no looks, no giggles or pointing or even anyone paying attention to me.  So I tried on a ladies XL running jacket.  Nope, stuffed sausage look, put it back.  Decided to go to the men's section.  Hoping for pretty colors...orange?  Green?  Nope, just grays, black, more black.  Turn the corner, clearance rack of bright blue and eye pounding red.  They looked like the track suits my highschool coaches wore.  And of course only XL in RED.  I tried it on, it fit.  Thought for a bit, turned around and saw another.  Black, blue, white, full zipper (other had 1/4), clearance.  Tried it on, decided to get that one instead.  Not so 70s trackish looking.  No mirrors of course so I am using my imagination which of course I look FANTASTIC in.  I bought it.  Yikes!  Now I gotta' actually USE IT!  Right????   Anyone got a bedazzler I can spruce it up with?  Or funny "fat girl running" patches?  That would be fun.  Start our own virtual team but take it to the streets locally.

And believe me, the running is only going to be in my dreams for awhile.

Ok, so all this shopping and excitement and stress had me hungry.  I decided to walk across the mall parking lot and have my "Last Supper".  I wondered what the people who actually stopped to let me thunder across the road thought as I headed to the Culvers?  I thought hey, I could just be using the bathroom for all they know.  Yah, me and my clipboard with a letter attached to write to my penpal.  Yah, that makes sense.  Anyway, yes, I was b-a-d and went for my last fast food splurge.  I got my usual, mushroom swiss burger, onion rings and you guessed it, diet pepsi.  Three of them (small cup, ha ha). I spent a good hour in there writing on my letter, watching people.  I like just sitting in those places and watching folks.  I like their music too, very coffeehouseish.  They do have side salads (my resolution last year was to add one to every meal and I did), salad meals (I am sure they are high in naughtyness though) and even Boca veggie burgers which I have never tried there.  I should.  But it won't be for awhile because remember, this was my "Last Supper".



Last Supper



 So, after that I then headed to Walmart to get my last six pack of Diet Pepsi. I almost choked at the price, $1.50 more than home.  Proof that junk is cheaper in poorer communities.  Anyway, I got that, a 100 ct. bottle container of Aleve (See?  Planning ahead!), and "Runners World" magazine.  Yup, funny huh?  Hey, this store has self checkouts so no one needs to know but me and God and God doesn't laugh at me.  At least I don't think so.

Skirts, Reality and Fear

Last night I had a dream I was wearing a dress. And liked it!  Me, who hasn't worn anything "girlie" since I got confirmed almost three years ago. I wore a skirt and sweater that I wore to my girlfriend's wedding 16 years ago.  No photos, I was alone, no family or friends, just the church.

One other time I wore a skirt. I have a denim skirt.  I ran away one weekend to home where no one knows me but that is where I spent half my childhood.  Perhaps I should say people know me, relatives, but I'd first have to recognize them and then introduce myself.  Last time most saw me I was 15 or 20 and 130#  :).  Anway, back to the skirt.  I had it made by a woman on eBay and then I wore that puppy in this town and went to the artsy fartsy coffee shop (Yo Black Cat!) and hung with the cool folk, letting my REAL self out!  Well, sorta'.  I probably looked more like one of our local Old Order Mennonites who was breaking the rules a little.  But for me it was pushing the envelope.

Haven't done it since.  Though I think about it.  A lot.  Kinda' like a secretive crossdresser except I'm an artsy hippie stuck in farmer clothes.

It is one reason *bitchcakes* strikes me so. She dresses as her true self.  And she is awesomely beautiful.  I think that right there is freedom.  And after reading Cinny's post today about reality, eh, I am so not there.

My Story II

Ok, so after finally convincing husband we needed to get out of the city we started looking for places.  He got a state farm paper and started looking at the real estate ads. I scoured our area as I would have been perfectly content with 20 acres, house, barn to put my horses.  Problem was cost.  Land prices were ridiculous and there was just no way we were going to swing that.

So for three years husband found cheap places and we'd take a weekend and drive to see them.  80 acres, house, barn for $35K.  Yes, I am talking cheap.  Basement was flooded but that is fixable.  I fell in love with one place, the land, but the house wasn't the best.  I still dream of that property it was that nice.  I could envision an organic goat dairy.  Husband wouldn't go for it though.  All he saw was the house.  It was livable and probably better than the one we are in now really.  But he didn't like it.

I was on my last nerve when it came to marriage, kids, job, inlaws when I came home from my job and he met me at the door with with the newspaper and announced he found a brick farm house (I like brick, a lot of the places around us were brick) on 100 acres for $49K.  I thought yah yah, whatever.  He convinced me to call the next day so I did.  Bad news, it was sold.  He said let's go see what we missed.  So I called the realtor again and asked if we could come see it.  Sure, come on up.  So we did.  Drove down a long dusty road, turned into a long overgrown driveway we had to bushwack through.  Turned the corner and there she was...a red brick farm house like I had never seen before.  It was love.  I told the lady next time they have one like this to call us. 

A week later she called and said it was on the market, financing fell through, we had 24 hours to make an offer.  We offered 50K and got it.  My dream of living on a farm of my own was about to come true.

Diet Soda=Death Part Deux

Ok, here is the dilemma.  I have four sodas left.  I have two days left.  Two days until what you ask?  Monday I work.  You see I have a part time job that I am scheduled to work at 2x a month.  This is the week.  So...here is the problem.

Do I quit drinking it now cold turkey?  Or do I give myself a couple more days (ie: buy another six pack) so I quit on the day I work and already cannot drink the stuff (it makes me pee and I don't have time for peeing in the wilderness) and start there?

Here is another reason to wait until Monday.  Husband returns to work.  He is a lot of my stress when he is home laid off.  Having him laying around watching me just really really gets on my nerves, esp. since our house is totally gutted and needs to be worked on (I'd like a living room and kitchen in my lifetime please???).  I relax a lot more when he is not underfoot and watching me hot trot my way into the kitchen for the tenth time for "another" cup of tea.  Sound familiar? Thought so.

So what do you think?  One more day?  Or cold turkey after today? 

Moving Up In The World

I had ten dollars ready to expire at Best Buy so tonight I ordered my first MP3 player.  I'd love a sexy ipod in pink but alas, I can't justify the price right now.  So instead I got a cute purple MP3 player and I'll go pick it up tomorrow. Then to find stuff to put on it.  And learn how to do so.  I have a teenage son who will gladly show me. 

Bitchcakes has a link to a free download called Girl Talk album.  It is on the upper right of her blog.  I have no clue what is on it but she and others say it is good running music. I can use good walking music. So that is what prodded me into this purchase.  That and the fact that the three CD players we have are all dead and a recent CD purchase I made skips.  So I have actually been thinking long and hard on this. I don't want to be the one with an 8 track player in an ipod world.  Yes, 8 tracks are a dime a dozen at the thrift store but that doesn't mean I want to listen to them.

Chilly Chippewa 5K

Ok, I must be nuts.  I just signed up for the Chilly Chippewa 5K for February 20. I hope I can do it!  I haven't been walking as I should due to crotch deep snow and ice, below zero and wacky work schedule. It is to be above zero this next week so I will get out and walk our road every other day or so. I have to work on Monday so we will see that day.

Last year I wanted to do a 5K a month but couldn't find enough that I had off work on.  But I decided that after doing the first one.  I have more time to plan now.  I do better if I have a deadline to strive for.  Maybe I'll take my beautiful dog Tex along with me.  That will guarentee me a photo by the photographer :D.

Tex

Diet Soda=Death

Losing Weight after 45 is a Bitch: Yet Another Reason to Avoid Diet Soda: "In addition to being a chemical laden brew with no nutritional value, new studies show that diet soda drinkers are at a higher risk for str..."

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I found this blog post while bunny trailing around blogs. I uncomfortably laughed at the cartoon because that is so me! Not only do I get one soda but sometimes a refill and then a refill on the way out. Am I nuts? And it is diet of course, be it Pepsi or Coke. Always diet.

This report has brought diet soda into the fore front of the consumer's minds. We have all heard the evils of artificial sweetners, one says they are harmless (usually the manufactorer) and others actually have health issues caused by them. I haven't any health issues from the sweetners, mine come from the overdosing of caffine. Because I drink coffee in the AM (1/2 caff) and then six 28-ounce bottles of Diet pepsi through the rest of the day what do I expect? For me coffee jitters and soda jitters are two different things. Coffee makes me ill and shaky if I drink too much. Soda makes me feel I have gut rot but that is because I then don't eat.

But I do notice I am always feeling that way. Gut rot, eat something, anything. Drink more, gut rot, eat more, even if it is just a slice of bread.

I wondered if diet soda made me eat more. So I quit it for Lent one year and didn't lose any weight. So much for that. Did I feel better? You betcha! But somehow, somewhere the stuff got its dark fizzy claw back into my life.

A lot of television programs talking of diet and health say "cut out the soda." meaning the sugar ladened stuff. They never mention diet soda. What of those of us who are 100# over and haven't any sugar soda or juices etc. to cut out? I drink diet soda, coffee, black and water. That is it. So every calorie is coming through as food.

My Story I

Along with food I am also addicted to Diet Pepsi.  Actually it started with TaB, remember that?  They still make it even but I can't get it where we live now.  When I lived in a city I could get it by the 2 liter bottle and once a week I would buy the store out.  I needed three 2 liters a day so yah, add it up.  I hid it in the house and hid the empties like an alcoholic hiding his stash.  I didn't want anyone to know how much I drank of it.  Why did I drink so much?  The carbonation filled me up.  I learned this at home when I still lived there.  If I drank a lot of carbonated soda I wouldn't be so hungry.  If I wasn't hungry I didn't have to listen to my father say "eating again?"  Mind you, I am nearly 6' tall and a the time weighed no more than 140#.  I worked hard all day in a nursing home then took care of my horses after.  But this set me up to start binging on the soda and eventually sneak to eat.  And of course it was nothing good because he'd see me.

Ok fast forward.  I was prego with number 2, had an infant, married to another child who would disappear all the time and still binging on the soda but this is when it got the worst.  I was lonely, isolated, had no friends with children (plus really, I don't like kids so never had any real friends with kids), the friends I did have abandoned me and we lived in a neighborhood of retired persnickity people who were more worried about how things LOOKED (case in point, my clothesline behind my house that no one could see unless they went behind my house) than actually allowing anyone to just live there.  My neighbor blamed my two kids for everything and had a fit if their tricycles touched their driveway etc.  It was like living under a critical microscope so I learned to stay inside and stuff it down with food and soda.

I gained 60# with my first kid. I asked my Dr. if I was gaining too much and she said "Oh no, enjoy it, it'll come off".  First one born I weight 220#.  Well, here I am 22 years later "enjoying" it still!!!  I then got pregnant right away and added to it.  By the time all is said and done I am AT LEAST 100# overweight.  I don't recall what my upper level ideal is but I am almost positive it isn't 180#.

So yah, we moved to the farm.  I thought oh good, freedom to be outside, work to be done, grow my own food etc.  Well, in the end it didn't exactly work that way. I'll go into that in another post.

If You Are on WW...

If you are on Weight Watchers and have a blog, let me know. I don't really want to follow weightloss blogs on other programs.  I have all I can do to concentrate on one thing.

Thanks.

In The Beginning...

I was one of the lucky ones.  Up until I turned 28 I could eat what I want when I wanted and not gain an ounce.  Then I got pregnant and it was all downhill from there.  Now, 100+ pounds later I am at the health crossroads.  Staring 50 in the face and also all the fun things that come with being overweight and over fifty.  Frankly it scares me but not enough to make me change.  Not while there are cookies, cakes, pizza etc. right there right now.  Yes, instant gratification wins every time.

For my 49th birthday I joined Weight Watchers for the first time.  It wasn't a good time to start.  Why? Because from the day I joined there were rumors of the program changing, getting better. So why learn the old one if there is a new one?  So I coasted along with my usual 5-10# weight gains and losses.  The ladies would celebrate the 5# loss and I was like "who cares, it'll be back tomorrow while I sleep".  I have gained and lost that same 5# more times than I can count.

So the new program came and so did winter. My closest meeting place is 1/2 hour drive. It takes me longer to drive there than to be there and in -20 degrees, 4 feet of snow through a National forest at night I will say I am not going to the meetings right now. Additionally I find their website a bore.  But as I sit here and eat cookies I don't even like, pop an antacid and then drink my six bottles of Diet Pepsi which would give me heartburn if I didn't take the antacid, I decide things have got to change.

I have no clue what I weigh.  My scale is off I discovered at my first WW meeting as I was 285 which about floored me.  Last weigh-in which was two weeks after Christmas I was 273 I think which is more my normal.

Anyway, I plan to use this blog to explore why I eat, what gets in my way.  My mind (games), body (betrayal of hormones), spirit (or lack there of).

I just bought the newest WW cookbook and as I looked at the recipes and thought "this looks good" I'd then see I get a whole 1/2 cup!  Wow!  A half cup!  I could feel myself choking up, pissed that I only would get a half cup.  Pissed that I can eat so much and not feel full at all.  Pissed that I am where I am at.  I want to blame everyone but myself.  And it is myself that got me here.  I lack the willpower to not eat the trash my husband drags home. I wait too long and then buy trash myself.  I plan my day on what trash I can eat when.  Sometimes I go shopping and really what I want is to eat out.  When I do then I sit in the car and think why am I here? Drive all this way to eat a hamburger?  Ridiculous. But I do.