Monday, April 25, 2011

Debbie Downer...a Year Later

Earth Day colt. End of an era.
Here has been my latest project. Born in the cold wet windy slop we call pasture I dragged  him kicking and screaming across a 40 acre field to the shelter. He is a little slow on the uptake (couldn't stand up on his own, couldn't nurse) but he's starting to get it.  This is my last foal after 19 years.  Husband decided he doesn't like horses, thinks I should get rid of them all because they are taking precious resources from his cows.  So I gelded my stallion last year and this is my one and only foal for this year.  I am now officially done and a lot of sad and angry over it.

Yesterday was a year since my dad passed away.  It has been a rough day all the way around for me.  No one seems to care and that makes me mad too.  I feel like saying to my husband when your dad dies I am going to treat you like you treated me.  Pretending it didn't happen doesn't work!  How far two little words would have gone..."I'm sorry" but I never got that, instead I get "what is up with your dad now?"  Afraid someone will expect something from him.  Oh I am very angry over it all even a year later.

So it has been a hard few days.  I am tired and stressed and the weather has been crap until yesterday.  I took my bike out for a ride to the next road and back. I would have gone farther but I had the dogs with me.  I thought about it and may just go buy a new road bike (or get mine really fixed up) and just put it on the credit card.  I am sick and tired of being broke yet husband has money to waste on cows and farm auctions and BS he then never uses. 

And if I don't have my horses then what in hell do I have?

Sorry this is such a debbie downer post.  I may delete it later...There is no one here I can say this all to without getting the "are you crazy" look or just a blank stare.  Really, does it cost THAT much to say "I am sorry" and give a meaningful hug?


  1. know I understand totally. I would not delete this post, these are your true feelings. All your feelings are very valid. Sometimes some men just don't get it. So I remind mine. I tell him I am really missing my Dad on certain days...On my Dads birthday last year my hubby brought home a birthday cake, that said happy bday made me cry. this year nothing. it is coming up to the two year mark now and some days I feel very tired from the heart ache, and then I bounce back on other days and am okay. We are stronger than we know. I am sending you a big hug from across the way. I am a horse lover, have never had a horse but would be very upset if I had to give up something that I truly loved. hopefully you will work this out for you. somedays I wish life were just easier, wishing you all the best. you are not alone my friend.

  2. I just came across your blog. I don't know you at all of course, but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss:/I can't even imagine the pain and heartache that you are enduring right now. I would suggest telling those close to you how you feel.