Lightbulb Moment

I was reading new blogger Faith's post on her lightbulb moment and couldn't really come up with one moment but more of a lot of small ones.  If I had to choose one it would probably be when I saw my mom after almost 2 years and she had lost 40#. But that was over two years ago so I just add it to the list of inspiration.

Also, getting old, facing 50 in the face.  Realizing really, time does not wait.  Each day is gone just like that, each week is like where did it go.  It is August and I still can't get the year right on my checks.  Time does not wait for anyone, not even me.

I spent the first 1/2 my life as one of those who could eat anything and not gain an ounce.  Then the second half, I got married, kid number one was an automatic 60#, kid number two I don't remember but the second 60# crept up between then and about 3 years ago when I hit my high weight of 285#.  I have since leveled off at 270-280. 

But for many years I went through life with the thin person mentality.  When I realized I was fat?  I don't know.  I knew yet didn't.  Or was it denial?

I have no mirrors either and I realized this several years ago that I go days without seeing my reflection.  And if I do I don't look.

When I took bellydance the first time we had a dance room, wall to wall mirrors.  Our instructor had us stand in front of the mirror and really look at ourselves.  I was in full dress with choli, skirt, hipscarf, headscarf.  I remember looking at this person, not recognizing her but thinking she was beautiful!  That was an eye opener and I think the start of loving myself enough to actually care for myself.

It has been rocky.  I hid.  I didn't do a lot of activities because I didn't want to be the fattest one there.  I stayed out of photos, using the excuse that I am behind the camera.  Now I wish someone would take photos of me just so I can really see!  Like years ago when my girlfriend and I were little hotties.  We'd take a few hours and just shoot portraits of each other.  I still am the fattest one anywhere I go but inside I am accepting of myself and learning to do better.

What helps?

Doing that 5K walk, even last, and having a beautiful (they are all beautiful if they smile) woman runner say to me "Way to go!" and knowing she means it.

Having a teenager who is pointing the right direction to go at these events despite when I say I am the last one say "At least you're doing it!"

Having a runner after a 5K walk/run tell me her story.

This is why 5K's are SO important to me.  There are those who have been where I am now and know what it is like to struggle.  They are so supportive.

For me I have finally had that mental shift I have spent the last 20+ years looking for.  I mean, for Pete's sake, I'm actually saying aloud that I am a runner, just not running yet.  I don't feel stupid telling people I belong to a track club. I mean, look at me.  Track?  As in running?  But it flows out of my mouth as if it is truth because it is.

I am finally doing it for ME.  Sitting on my ass watching life pass me by isn't good enough for me anymore.  I want to participate!