Debbie Downer...a Year Later

Earth Day colt. End of an era.

Here has been my latest project. Born in the cold wet windy slop we call pasture I dragged  him kicking and screaming across a 40 acre field to the shelter. He is a little slow on the uptake (couldn't stand up on his own, couldn't nurse) but he's starting to get it.  This is my last foal after 19 years.  Husband decided he doesn't like horses, thinks I should get rid of them all because they are taking precious resources from his cows.  So I gelded my stallion last year and this is my one and only foal for this year.  I am now officially done and a lot of sad and angry over it.

Yesterday was a year since my dad passed away.  It has been a rough day all the way around for me.  No one seems to care and that makes me mad too.  I feel like saying to my husband when your dad dies I am going to treat you like you treated me.  Pretending it didn't happen doesn't work!  How far two little words would have gone..."I'm sorry" but I never got that, instead I get "what is up with your dad now?"  Afraid someone will expect something from him.  Oh I am very angry over it all even a year later.

So it has been a hard few days.  I am tired and stressed and the weather has been crap until yesterday.  I took my bike out for a ride to the next road and back. I would have gone farther but I had the dogs with me.  I thought about it and may just go buy a new road bike (or get mine really fixed up) and just put it on the credit card.  I am sick and tired of being broke yet husband has money to waste on cows and farm auctions and BS he then never uses. 

And if I don't have my horses then what in hell do I have?

Sorry this is such a debbie downer post.  I may delete it later...There is no one here I can say this all to without getting the "are you crazy" look or just a blank stare.  Really, does it cost THAT much to say "I am sorry" and give a meaningful hug?

Slower!

I cannot believe I was actually slower this year at the marathon.  Only a couple seconds, pace from 16.41 last year, this year it was 16.43.  I wasn't dying for it to end like I was last year so I guess that is improvement.  Plus I am a year older.  I didn't get a medal this year like last.  There were 6 in my age group (46-50) and I was last...as usual.  Everyone was younger but the fastest who did it in a little over 8 minutes.  But she ran.  I was number 102 of 107. 

It rained in the AM but by the time the results for the 5K were read it dried up.

Argh.

First off, I am SO SICK of snow!!!  Please, turn it off!!!!

Ok, I gained another .6.  I need to get back on the stick so after today I am buckling down and tracking everything. Enough is enough.

I signed up for the Pine Line Marathon this Saturday.  This is the one I did last year the day my dad died.  So I will do it once again.  To rain, to be cold but oh well.  Last year it rained too and the rain hid my tears.

On Sunday I went to Scheels and bought some biking shorts and a really cute "Terry" brand biking top.  Unfortunately it is not cute on me.  It is a bit snug but I will get into it before biking season really starts, right?  And I am going to pretend I look cute in it too, dammit!

Weigh In Tuesday

Our road, washed out after Sunday's storm

Yesterday I worked.  That is exercise enough.  Today I rode my bike several times up and down the road, walked around the pasture three times working on the fence line.  I semi-groomed three horses (they are wet muddy too so not all brushable) which is a lot of work too!  That is enough for today.  Tonight is weigh in.  I'll report when I get back.

I am tired..

Later:  Well, I gained .6.  Oh well, PMS and all the excersize.  Building muscle which weighs more than fat and all that.  Yah, that is it :).

Next week.

Sunday

Thanks all for the nice words.  I feel good today too, no foot pain at all.  What I did was self-evaluate my feet via my running books I have (Women's Running, The Courage to Start, No Need for Speed), the little I gained at the foot seminar talk thingy and the Dr. Scholls step on machine telling me to use insole number I can't recall. Also, new socks made of wicking materials yet a little cushion.  I DID NOT tape my foot.  I figured it was two miles, see how it went.  It went great, no pain WHATSOEVER!!!

BTW, a panda shot is a self portrait taken of oneself while riding their bike.  It was started on Flickr with a person who called themself "Hurry Panda Kill Kill" who loaded up shots of them on their bicycle. They eventually got known as Panda shots and now it is a common term for such a photo, even found in the biking magazines, etc.  Pretty cool huh?

I took the day off today and did putzy stuff like clean horse tanks, enjoy the sunshine, enjoy the downpour, hail and threat of tornadoes (missed by a few miles thank goodness!).  I also played with my new colored pencils, drawing two little drawings.  Can't decide if I like them yet.

Spring Fling 6/2

Race finish shot

No, I didn't melt while doing the race nor are your eyes going on you.  This is the only shot of me that turned out.  It was so dark and gloomy (but 50's!) that all my shots ended up super dark or blurry.  So when I had time I fuddled around with the camera and took my photo in a truck's mirror that happened to be parked there.

What a great race!  Perfect day, gray but no rain, no wind.  Some were saying they wish there was sun but I said no, better this way because it would heat up quick and be too warm for what we are used to.

I even RAN for about 30 seconds!  NO LIE!!  Too early, next time I'll save it for my finishline shot but still, I was so proud of myself!  And I wasn't LAST!  Grandma with grandchild and lady with dog were behind me!  LOL.  Hey, I'll take it where I can get it.

About 1/3 through I was plenty warmed up, could feel my feet adjust and I felt damn good.  No foot pain at all.  Still none tonight.  Whoot!  Maybe I found my solution for now!

I really felt good and had fun.  I was working at it though.  But this past week's worth of walking and biking I can tell made a difference in my endurance.  Now if only I could kick the asthma.  It kicked up about 1/3 way through but by the last 1/4 or so it calmed down.

My time for 2 miles was 33.03.03.

Friday

Today's panda shot. 
Note horse hair all over my sweatshirt
 which is a "Genuine Dickies" from Walmart.
 T-shirt says "Property of Oredockers Ashland Athletic Dept.)

I picked up some White Lightning bike lube and went over my girly girl bike.  She doesn't squeak anymore and shifts much better if shifting up but not down.   Benjamin has been forgotten about so I suppose I'll wait a bit since the weather is to go south after tomorrow.  70's (!!) and storms on Sunday and then back down to cold and rain.  Blech.  I want SPRING!!

I need to find directions to the Spring Fling tomorrow, print off a coupon for Michaels so I can get myself some fancy schmancy origami paper for my zillions of cranes I am making for donations to Japan relief and plot my day...like get cat, dog and bunny food for the critters.

Tex, playing in the creek

Then this week get THIS (above) dog cleaned up so he can go with me NEXT Saturday on the Robin Return walk.  That is only 20 miles away so I won't be bumming afterward.

Two More Walks

I signed up for this Saturday's 2 mile Spring Fever 6/2.

And today I sent in for an almost local (only 20 miles away!) walk/run, the Robin Return cancer walk.  That one is April 16 and is also only 2 miles.

Pictures

Today's panda shot

Latest edition.  Meet "Bozo".

My girly girl ride.

Lightbulb Moment

I was reading new blogger Faith's post on her lightbulb moment and couldn't really come up with one moment but more of a lot of small ones.  If I had to choose one it would probably be when I saw my mom after almost 2 years and she had lost 40#. But that was over two years ago so I just add it to the list of inspiration.

Also, getting old, facing 50 in the face.  Realizing really, time does not wait.  Each day is gone just like that, each week is like where did it go.  It is August and I still can't get the year right on my checks.  Time does not wait for anyone, not even me.

I spent the first 1/2 my life as one of those who could eat anything and not gain an ounce.  Then the second half, I got married, kid number one was an automatic 60#, kid number two I don't remember but the second 60# crept up between then and about 3 years ago when I hit my high weight of 285#.  I have since leveled off at 270-280. 

But for many years I went through life with the thin person mentality.  When I realized I was fat?  I don't know.  I knew yet didn't.  Or was it denial?

I have no mirrors either and I realized this several years ago that I go days without seeing my reflection.  And if I do I don't look.

When I took bellydance the first time we had a dance room, wall to wall mirrors.  Our instructor had us stand in front of the mirror and really look at ourselves.  I was in full dress with choli, skirt, hipscarf, headscarf.  I remember looking at this person, not recognizing her but thinking she was beautiful!  That was an eye opener and I think the start of loving myself enough to actually care for myself.

It has been rocky.  I hid.  I didn't do a lot of activities because I didn't want to be the fattest one there.  I stayed out of photos, using the excuse that I am behind the camera.  Now I wish someone would take photos of me just so I can really see!  Like years ago when my girlfriend and I were little hotties.  We'd take a few hours and just shoot portraits of each other.  I still am the fattest one anywhere I go but inside I am accepting of myself and learning to do better.

What helps?

Doing that 5K walk, even last, and having a beautiful (they are all beautiful if they smile) woman runner say to me "Way to go!" and knowing she means it.

Having a teenager who is pointing the right direction to go at these events despite when I say I am the last one say "At least you're doing it!"

Having a runner after a 5K walk/run tell me her story.

This is why 5K's are SO important to me.  There are those who have been where I am now and know what it is like to struggle.  They are so supportive.

For me I have finally had that mental shift I have spent the last 20+ years looking for.  I mean, for Pete's sake, I'm actually saying aloud that I am a runner, just not running yet.  I don't feel stupid telling people I belong to a track club. I mean, look at me.  Track?  As in running?  But it flows out of my mouth as if it is truth because it is.

I am finally doing it for ME.  Sitting on my ass watching life pass me by isn't good enough for me anymore.  I want to participate!

My First Panda Shots!

Bike Shadow

I took her for a short spin to get these photos.  I always admire other's panda shots so I had to get my own :).  No sexy skirt or stockings or heels but hey, this is me :).

I searched all over for my old Schwinn, Benjamin and couldn't find him!  Panic!  A couple years ago I caught my husband throwing the kid's Trek bikes out!  Yes, in the trash!  I told him yes they are too small, but they can be resold.  So of course first thing I thought is he threw out Benjamin!  I asked my oldest who then after a bit of thinking about it remembered that it was in the lower shed!  Whew!  I said please haul him out (they have trucks) so I can go over him and see if he needs to get worked on.

Benjamin, 1978 Schwinn Continental II

Bike Ride!

I rode 1.4 miles!  Almost all uphill because we live in a "valley".  Yes, they are gradual and very long hills but hills nonetheless.  I need to get the bike in for maintanance.  It's not shifting right.  Wasn't last year either but little bit I rode it I didn't care.

My asthma is kicked up so that is the end of that.  And I didn't even eat anything.  I find certain foods cause my asthma to be worse.  I originally developed it in the mid 80's.  Suddenly I couldn't do aerobics w/o dying.  I blamed it on the damn smoky NURSING HOME I worked in at the time.  We were forced to deal with the smokers in our lounge (what a shock when they decided to paint the walls and discovered once they took down the pictures that the paint was actually BLUE not green!) and us aides were forced to sit with smoking residents.  I HATED that job!  So I have been dealing with it ever since and blame it a little on my fatness too.  Hard to exercise when one can't breathe. 

But I did it.  YAY me!

WW Walk-It, Post 2

Our leader said what they do is a 5K at her house then a potluck after.  They have done this the past two years.  That sounds ok.  I haven't really bonded with anyone at the meetings at all, I feel like an outsider really.  Our leader is fine but her energy and mine clash somewhat.  I am sure it is me but it is how it is at this point.  If it came about I would most likely go.  I would personally like to meet others though, someone my own age (this rural area, the population is much older than I am.  My "friend" at the meeting is 76, bless her heart!) and someone who likes a little adventure.  I haven't found it here and so I feel quite alone.  But again, that might be my perspective and I just need to be more outward in finding out what others do.  They all seem to have buddies there already.  It takes time.

So I don't know.  Our leader wants to have two of these this year, at her house.  They'll discuss it next week.  This year's WW date is too close to the local cancer walk which is two days earlier or later.  So that would be out.

What is your group doing?  Are any of you near a city that is having this?  I'd really like to go to a city to do it, like Minneapolis, but that is a 2 hour plus drive.  So local is better than nothing.  Or do you not care?

Wednesday Morning Ramble

The insoles are not going to help my foot totally, at least immediately.  So I got some tape.  See if that works.  Took an Aleve, put some  Arniflora Arnica Gel on it last night and all was good.  It's not horrible, just "there", a dull ache.  Feels better if I walk on it.  So I'll try a few more things and if they don't work will seriously check into getting it looked at.  With being "insurance free" that is a big investment so I will try other things first.

Feels fine this AM.  So perhaps I am rushing to judgement too soon.

Yesterday when I stopped to pick up groceries I dug around in the bike area.  I want to get my bike on the road again, do something different besides walking. I get bored real fast with walking out here and once the ticks are out my options shrivel down to road only which we have very few of!  So my choices are the same section of road or travel to another area by car.  So I splurged and got a meter for my bike and a little bag for the bars.  I haven't hardly ridden the old thing but to the mailbox and back last year.  Lazy.  I will pull her out and maybe Benjamin too (my 1978 Schwinn Continental II road bike) and get my fat butt on the post of a seat.

Can anyone else hear it now?  Queen's Bicycle Race?

Bicycle races are coming your way
So forget all your duties oh yeah
Fat bottomed girls they'll be riding today
So look out for those beauties oh yeah
On your marks get set go
Bicycle race bicycle race bicycle race

 

Okay, here is something fun.  Go to http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/, put in the area you want to track and see what your walking/biking/running path milage is!  I did my road and driveway and it came out to 1.8 miles!  Whodathunk?  My road is a half mile long so doing it twice plus my driveway twice and voila!  There you have it.  How cool is that?  I just guessitmated a mile and maybe 1/4.

So now once I get beyond my road it shouldn't be too difficult as our roads are blocked out by the mile but still, this was a surprise so who knows were more lurk.  Plus if I travel somewhere else I can figure that one out!

I also got a pack of those shiny stars to put on my calendar when I exercise.  I think that will motivate me somewhat.

Today is the last day to sign up for the 2 mile walk.  I am debating whether to sign up for the walk or to volunteer to help with it.  The ITC is sponsoring it.  Tonight is the meeting.  I wish it wasn't over an hour away!  :(

Shock of Shocks

Down another 1.4#!  I don't know what I did right.  I'll take it.

WW Walk It

I got this promo with my card this week.  I looked it up, closest one to me is Milwaukee and that is a good 5 hour drive away.  I could go to the twin cities I suppose but eh, why when I can stay home.  It just sounded like fun to walk with other WW members.

Morningstar Farms Sausage, Egg and Cheese Biscuits=WIN!  Yummy!  7 points.  They are small so be prepared to fill with fruit but oh they are very very tasty.

I am hungry but only because I was naughty and didn't eat like I should.  Husband is home which throws my whole routine off.  Now he's gone to work.  So I had this biscuit.  That will tide me over until I can have dinner, after weigh-in.  I still have half my points left.  Not good.  I suspect I will be staying the same but after my pizza and Oreo Cakesters binge (yes, I am shame faced) it is more than I can expect.  I even thought of skipping weigh-in and just go to the meeting. I just fear if I have one fail I will say why bother??  But I got on the scale here and it said the same.  Mind games. Another half hour and I have to hit the road.  It is a PITA to have to drive a half hour there. You know I thought I'd like living in the boonies but all this driving gets old.

A Walk

My lonely dirt road.

I actually got off my bootie and took a walk.  I walked our whole road, don't know exactly how long it is.  Maybe a half mile long (walked up and back) then our driveway which is also fairly long.  As you can see above it ain't much.  We have only patches of snow (this was taken earlier this year) and the north half of the road is mushy mud. South half is pretty dry but of course it was still froze up this AM.

I wore my new running shoes and put my $49.99 Dr. Scholl insoles in them.  I need to figure something out for my "bunion" (I think that is what it is on my right foot) as this isn't helping.  But hopefully will help in other ways.  At least they fit into these shoes.  They don't in my cross trainers.  When I put them in the shoe gets real tight across my toes.

Bluebirds are back.  I checked my houses. I need to relocate one but the others are ready and waiting.  Here is hoping for a nesting pair.

Try on Session

Husband worked late last night so after I was done with all his work too I decided to try on my outfit all together.  I had traded the sweater in for an 18/20 as at the wedding it kept falling off my shoulders showing my knarly bra straps until I shoved them over too.  This one is a bit tighter but it will stretch a little and it didn't bother me anyway.

I tried to get pix in my bathroom mirror which is like forget it.  The mirror is off my Grandmother's old vanity (kinda' like the one Bitch Cakes has but she is smaller so it is more useful for her.  I am too tall and to sit at it my knees are in my eyeballs) and so old and fogged a little and I had to stand on a box to try and see what the skirt looks like on me.  Fail.  I took pix anyway but they only thing they really showed me was I have no waist. I thought maybe a belt?  Would that be too much?  I don't know, maybe I'll pick up a cheap one and see.

But putting the clothes on does make me want to keep going on the WW.  And I have decided that when or if I ever get a real bedroom and a closet I want good full size mirrors on it!  Or somewhere!

Rest of Saturday

After finding out the clinic wasn't going to happen I went to the city to get some stuff for cows and now had three hours to just do whatever.  I went to the bookstore where I finally found a copy of Sheep! magazine.  I haven't been able to find one and am thinking of getting some to raise.  I have a book on them just to read up on what is all required.  I have had sheep before but they were just "pets" given to me after our neighbor died.  There is a lot more to sheep than just going hiking with them, esp. if one wants to sell a few.

I then went to the SVdP (St. Vincent de Paul) which is a pretty good one for the most part.  This town is a big hospital town and you'd think there would be some money but not really.  It always surprises me that there is no craft store or decent shopping in this town.  This is the same town that the Fashion Bug closed in and the mall is so empty it is mostly used for walking.  Anyhoo, the SVdP sometimes coughs up some good stuff.  I went and found little to nothing but decided to dig through the plus size clothes to see if there was any Lane Bryant.  I came across some black skirts, not LB but plus size.  I had been looking at some on eBay thinking it would go with my sweater set I bought for the wedding. So I tried three on, two sz 24 (no go) and a plus size brand, Size Appeal, that fit pretty darn good in a 20!  For $3.95 it came home with me. 

There is a dinner theater in EC that has a hilarious show on now about old Yoopers at a hunting cabin and I really want to go.  Tickets aren't cheap and if I spring for them I'd like to actually dress up.  And use that sweater set I spent so much money on! ($80!).  And wear my LB undies, LOL.  God they are PRICEY but I really like them over the granny panties :).  I know, TMI.  Anyway, so now I have an outfit.  Just need shoes and hose (yuck!!!).

I'm sick of living a dowdy farmers wife life!!!!

Well lo and behold, I get home and husband suggests a "date"!  WTH?  He hasn't done that since we got married 22 years ago!!  If we went anywhere it was because I set it up and told him he was going, ignoring the questions like "where is it?"  "what does it cost?".  Um, it is going to cost you your marriage if things don't change.  And I learned to just do stuff on my own and leave him home. 

So he suggests dinner and a movie.  I said what movie?  I don't keep up with movies, I hardly watch television even, LOL.  So I asked the kids.  They suggested one which wasn't playing at any theaters in EC.  So we sorta' eeny meeny miny moed our way into to "Limitless".  10 pm!  Ugh!  So we had to find a place to spend an hour as the mall closes at 9pm so we went to the bookstore and I read a book in a corner getting evil ideas on photo projects.

By the time we got home it was after one.  But we don't know the schedules of things anymore because we don't do these types of things.  Old farts we are, LOL.

For a spur of the moment thing it was fun.  We ate at a typical Wisconsin Man restraunt, "Heckels Big Steer" which we have never been at.  Not a lot of choice for diet (typical tuna or cottage cheese plate like you saw in the 70's) so I enjoyed the special and felt a little guilty doing so.  The veggies with it were chives on the mashed potatoes, ha!  Oh well.  I told him next time let's plan this a little better and go to the Norske Nook which we have never been to either but I have been wanting to try for 16 years.  And I want all my extra points for that one so I can enjoy guilt free.

Running Clinic

Today I made the 45 minute drive to the place I take my bellydance class at.  It was for the running clinic that was scheduled for the whole day, four seperate subjects.  As I pulled in there on their outdoor sign was information about the all day running clinic.  I was excited!

I go to the desk to sign up for the middle two clinics.  The girl looked at me like I was lost.  I told her you know, the all day running clinic.  Flashes of  "oh no I screwed up" going through my brain.  I said "you know, it is on your sign."

She says she thinks that is every Saturday.  Well could be but I was here for this Saturday.  She gets out a flyer and says she thinks it was canceled.  She calls the woman who was doing three of the clinics and sure enough, the limit wasn't filled (4) so it was canceled.  I said there was nothing in there that said to RSVP.  She says the next one is NEXT SPRING!

To say I was a little miffed is an understatement.  I mean, if you need at least four people then put in there to call to acknowledge you were coming.  I don't know that area real well and after the 40+ people who showed up to cram the back room for the bellydance thing I figured a lot of people would come to this too.  It is near a couple bigger cities.

I feel like writing them a letter saying I was very disappointed.  This would have been perfect for someone like me who wants to run but isn't there yet.  What better way to start than to have someone who has been there done that give you ideas, advice etc.?  It was a huge disappointment although after seeing how other  things are run there I shouldn't be surprised.